oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
