I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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