hotel room ftw
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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