tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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