Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize