I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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