call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize