Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
