Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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