I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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