bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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