No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
