my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
