To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
