Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
