I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
