i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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