Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
