you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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