if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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