Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
