she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
As shirtless as possible
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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