Got a toothbrush?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
