Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
