my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
