I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
