im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
