Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
