Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
