dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
