"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
