i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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