you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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