if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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