Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
