I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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