it wasn't lemon gatorade
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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