I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
