Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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