My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
