My balls are so social today.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
