areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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