too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
