Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
