Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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