He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
