My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
