so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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