at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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