Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
