Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
