We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
