how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
