I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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