her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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