note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
