Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
3 2 1 whiskey
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
