Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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